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Regardless, being K's friend completely demolished my years of thinking that my relationship with H was acceptable and that his behavior was something that I should accept. My friend who I have been going out with every so often who I'll now refer to as A was the one who planned the night and told me to come I bumped into a close common friend between H and I at the bar I was at. I told him that I knew he was fine because I was checking his location before I deleted him from Find my Friends.Its not something I accept for myself or for any of your girls. I can actively feel myself changing and growing and healing. We talked and he was really amazed/happy/impressed at how good I was. I was feeling really good, and every passing day I only felt better. I knew he was going to work and to therapy and I knew he was going out because people were calling me left and right to check up on me after hearing from H at party X or Y or Z that we had broken up. I'm not sure what to do, but I'm really done with being associated with him.I kept telling him how I 100% understand and we just discussed investment banking culture and how to cope in the hostile environment. The day stayed busy and I was surrounded by good spirit and positive energy (thank goodness for this job). I've been taking care of my skin, my hair, my nails. Reaching out to my family and friends and expressing my gratitude towards them.At some point he asked me who I knew in the industry (because I obviously didn't work there myself) and I peacefully told him that I was with my ex for 4 years and he works at bank X. My hands continued to shake and I decided to go for a walk around the office. The drive home gave me a chance/forced me to think. Just his email threw me off, I don't think seeing him will help me in any way. People at work have noticed that my face is brighter, my hair is shinier, and that I have a bounce in my step. I am not jealous of the endless engagements and weddings.I went to work the next day, sleep deprived but happy and cheerful and upbeat. Although it's a bit weird for him to not contact me, I'm not frustrated by it. How do you balance that with a personality sucking job that takes over every piece of your life? It's more of a rambling thought day as I try to distract myself from checking on H. Some how things can simultaneously feel like they were years ago and just yesterday. The funny thing is that I've had lots of offers from people who said they could find out about him for me. I've been doing some guided meditations and there are times when I can literally feel myself getting stronger and better. I need to give it back, but I first need to sell the stocks and some of them I'd be selling at a loss.
It was a hectic day but I managed it well and my good results at work are starting to shine through. I try to not think of him out partying and getting drunk and meeting random girls and instead focus on me and what my plans are and what I want to do. I'm looking forward to the week ending and spending some quality time in the gym! Everywhere I go and every day that passes I feel like I'm healing and getting stronger. It's been a month since we've had any communication. Sometimes it will be in the middle of a meditation, or a middle of a workout. I get sudden flashbacks of our relationship all the time. And how would I give the money back to him without interacting?Not quite as prominent as H's bank but definitely up there. His dot stayed still for hours in an area I couldn't possibly figure out why he was there. They give me perspective and make me feel stronger.He talked to me about work and it was so easy for me to talk to him and give him advice and guidance. I have been diving back into work and fitness and clearing my head.Also bumped into my friend who I had dinner with the other night, he took me out of the recruitment fair for a break and we just sat near a garden and talked. That's the overwhelming feeling I have, and have been craving for so long--peace. He helps me put my jacket on, casually puts his arm around me, and pulls me in for a hug as the chilly wind creeps through my jacket. Its obviously not that hard, you just have to want to do it. He knew how crazy H got when he couldn't reach me, so nothing I said shocked him. I didn't outright ask him to handle it, but he made it clear that his opinion was that I just bite the bullet, finish the pending shit with H and move forward. His friend snapped at me and pretty much said its none of your fucking business. I know first hand how challenging these relationships can be, so please comment on posts, let me know what you think and if you have any questions on your mind.I literally feel like I'm floating above it and its so far in the past, and I'm not sure how I got here so quickly. Its kinda true, a lot of the issues I had with H are the same ones I had from day zero. He promised that he would be there in case H lost it or came looking for me or if I needed someone to intervene for any reason. Isn't it weird how weddings made me so tense when I actually had a boyfriend/fiance, and how they are completely peaceful and fun now that I don't? So I was working at the office one day, just peacefully, efficiently, and busily (is that a word? It was clear to me that I wouldn't be able to talk to the friend again (he and I were the type of friends who could talk about anything without judgement), and so I let it go and accepted that I couldn't possibly expect that H's only close friend would stay my friend as well. Didn't think I would want to meet him and I can't possibly think of anything that can't be dealt with remotely. He then asked me what my insight would be about ibanking, coming from the ex-girlfriend. I was hoping I would bump into any of my close work friends who I could talk to, but I didn't, which was probably better. I went back to my desk, reread the email, and decided to deal with it later. In his email he apologized, very specific apologies to literally everything that had hurt me. I am so much happier in my peaceful bubble of work, family, gym, friends, I really don't have the energy or emotional capacity to disturb that balance. A friend saw him at a Halloween party, he's obviously finding his own ways to cope. As I told her the story she kept saying how she felt I was so peaceful, and how when I spoke it sounded like it was ages ago when it was actually recent. I felt like I was talking about something that was so far in the past, and I DID feel really peaceful. The corporate world forced me to come out of hibernation to face the world. Quite the contrary actually, I am proud and happy for people who have found a way to make it work, and I'm coming to terms that I didn't really get there, and that's OKAY. Regardless, I'll always have my work, friends, family, cat and you girls :) So this is just a little update that I'm feeling better, and I can't do it without each of you. Lots and lots and lots of love, S I have been dating an investment banker, who I call H, since early 2012.